Signs. It was something that I clung to after all of my miscarriages. Not stop signs, or traffic signs, or restaurant signs. But signs from God, a loved one, the universe.
There was that one time that the butterfly followed me while we were on a boat ride up in Minnesota on a family vacation. This was the month before Brian and I suffered our first miscarriage. We were trying for a baby so I took this as being a good sign with only good things to come. Butterflies were not my sign.
I saw shooting stars right before I became pregnant as well as when I was newly pregnant with Makenzie. Thinking those were a good sign that all would be ok with my pregnancy, I made silent wishes for God to bless us with a healthy baby. Shooting stars turned out to be Makenzie’s sign.
I prayed to the Virgin Mary a lot the months leading up to my pregnancy with Brady. I remember sitting at midnight mass in December of 2014 praying for a healthy sibling for Makenzie and silently begging for the Virgin Mary to give me some sort of sign that things were going to be ok. Fast forward less than 3 weeks later and I woke up early one morning after an extremely vivid dream. She didn’t have a face that I could remember, just a calm voice telling me everything was going to be ok and that I should take a test. It had been almost a year since our 2nd miscarriage and was sick of the let down feeling I had. Up until that morning I had refused to test but after I woke, something felt different. The dream. It felt so real and like the Virgin Mary really was talking to me from heaven. So I decide to follow my gut and my heart and take a test. It came up positive and I was pregnant with my now almost 3 year old, Brady.
The one constant sign that I have had during the last 4 years from above have been hearts. These hearts seem to appear when my own heart is having trouble processing something or unsure of what to do or what the outcome may be.
The first heart was captured in August of 2014. It was after our 2nd miscarriage which took place the day after Mother’s Day. The baby was 9 weeks old when his/her heart stopped beating. At this point in time when the picture was snapped, I had no idea that I still had retained placenta in my uterus and that the roller coaster was still moving but would be over soon enough. “Soon” being January 2015. I remember feeling sad on this particular day, right before I saw the heart in the sky. I wasn’t sure Makenzie was ever going to get the chance to be a sibling. I happened to be running something over to our neighbors house when I looked up and saw it. My Instagram post read:
The second heart. The crisp blue and white picture that looks as if the heart is trailing with angel wings I took when I was newly pregnant with Brady and it was Valentines Day. I happened to be driving home from the grocery store when I looked up and saw it. Since it was only February I was still only in the first trimester. I had already experienced random, sudden, and unexplained bleeding and I was on edge most of the time but this heart….. this one put me at ease:
And the last heart. Y’all, my friends here in Colorado will tell you, I would corner them at the gym, at my house, at their house, if we were on a girl’s night out, and yes even in a garage with a bottle of wine tucked under my armpit. The question was always the same: Should the Kopecko family have a third baby? My heart said maybe and then it said yes and then it went to maybe not. Then my over analyzing brain said, “I just don’t know… Do you really want to start over? But you’ve always wanted three kids!” My heart was confused. Really, really confused.
One day in early winter we went for a walk as a family. It was the middle of the week. Brian was home and not traveling, Makenzie had off of school and I know she was going stir crazy so I took a 20 minute break from work and made everyone go outside and take advantage of the unseasonably warm winter day. I don’t go for random walks during the work day but that day I did. And during the walk I just so happened to look down on the ground and there laying on the sidewalk was this perfectly shaped heart rock to which my own heart skipped a beat. I bent down and put it in my pocket because really what were the odds.
Now, I’m not saying I found this rock and said, “YES! Let’s have another baby, Brian!” It didn’t work like that. But this little rock sat on my window sill, perched up against a candle so I could see it every morning, noon, and night that I was home. Basically all the time. To me it was a sign of, “It’s ok. You’ve got this. The right decision will be made and you and Brian will make it together.” And over the next few months, we did.
Maybe you guys have caught on to all the hearts that I’ve had in my pregnancy announcement photos and gender reveal post. Maybe not. But there is a reason they are always included in.
Do you believe in signs? Signs from God, a loved one that has passed or the universe?
If so, tell me your story. What is your sign?